Lies of Motherhood – My life would be better if…

Sometimes I sit on the floor surrounded by 5 laundry baskets, mountains of little shirts, pajamas, underwear, and towels, just trying to sort out everyone’s piles, and I wonder what in the world am I doing. And almost in the next moment, the thoughts start rolling that I am smarter than this, that I once contributed more than this, and that I definitely had more fun than this. Screams of sibling rivalry or the wails of sleepy children begin to blow winds of anger and resentment into my heart. “This is too hard, and I really don’t want to be dealing with this.” The mundane tasks of cooking and cleaning become spaces in which I grumble and complain. My life would be better if things were different begins to weave its melody into the moments of my day. Discontentment litters my mind and clogs my heart.

Contentment is defined as the state of happiness and satisfaction, but I can spend most of my day joyless and dissatisfied. Rolling my eyes, deep sighs of irritation, and quiet grumblings under my breath all become signals of a heart listening to the lie that my life would be much better if it didn’t look like this.

My life will never be…

In fact, my life will never be as good as before can almost become a song that plays on repeat. Before I had kids, I could always _____________ (fill in the blank) becomes my chorus. Perhaps you hear, “Motherhood is a roadblock to my happiness,” or maybe it sounds like, “I would truly be happy if I were in a different space in the mothering journey. If only I could be in another stage with my child (I can’t wait to stop nursing, get the baby out of diapers, or have my child learn to read) or I cannot wait to get my kids to college.” The song washes over you and me and coats us with discontentment and resentment.

I struggle with contentment – always have – always wishing for a different season, wondering how life might have been or could still be if I can shake loose of all the constraints of this stage. The insidious sneaking in of thoughts of how life could have or should have been better begin to monopolize and occupy my mind.

And the truth is, Motherhood is crazy hard! It just is. It is a self sacrificing, other loving, and other focused demanding role that costs you and me freedom, time, and even peace of mind. When my mind focuses on me, discontentment beckons. I can see everything from the perspective of loss of happiness, impeding my joy pursuit in life. Empty or spent emotionally and physically, I can flounder, looking for anything to fill the gaps.

The Lie Exposed

We must identify where this lie has rooted down in our minds and kill it. The truth is you and I are content in Christ – full of joy and satisfied.

“I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.

John 6:35

Our contentment comes from filling up and understanding that He is our Manna, the only One who will sustain and satisfy. In John 6, Jesus has just fed the 5000 the day before. If you remember, He had been preaching to a large crowd, and his disciples wonder how they could feed so many. Christ takes a few loaves of bread and fish, distributes them to everyone in the crowd, and instructs his disciples to gather up the leftovers. Awestruck with the miracle, the crowd begins to murmur about making Him king, so Jesus removes Himself to the mountain, telling the disciples to go across the lake. The next day the crowd catches up with them, seeking more miracles like the day before, hoping for more physical gifts.

And Jesus begins to speak to their longing by pointing to Himself and reminding them of their history. When the Israelites were wandering in the desert under Moses, their only source of food was manna. They needed to have this provision every single day. They ate nothing else in the wilderness, but they could only gather enough for themselves for that day. So they would get up in the morning and gather up in a jar what they would need for that day, but if they tried to keep it overnight, it would rot and be full of worms in the morning. He then pivots this picture of provision to true provision for eternal life. For what the manna provided physically in the desert, His life provides for all of us spiritually.

His life freely offered gives us life eternal as well as purpose and contentment right now. His song offers great delight even in the mundane. Why? Because the rest and security He offers is not based on what I am doing in the moment, in fact my purpose becomes His as I abide in His love and keep my eyes and ears tuned to Him.

Manna in the moments

Remember, Jesus had just physically fed the multitude with vast leftovers gathered afterwards. The physical picture of the spiritual truth is right there for you and me. As richly as He supplied the food for the crowd, He supplies His very presence to you and me. He supplies all we need for today to be satisfied, for we have Him. When I begin to realize the moments of insanity are really moments of grace, when I abide in His purpose for this moment both to grow me and point to Jesus for my children, or when I trust His plan and feast on who He is when I feel like I am wandering in a desert, then I am beginning to experience true contentment that does not fade.

When Jesus says “I am the bread of life,” all of those Jews understood the reference. He is saying, “I am manna. I am your life giving bread so fill up on me. But understand that you fill up on me daily, you find your contentment, you find your source of joy, of peace, of calmness in me everyday.” When we choose not to go out and gather our manna then we will have days that feel discontent. When I filter through being in Christ, manna for the day fills the aching of what might have been and answers the demands for what should be. There is active redirection.

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God

Colossians 3:1-3

Truth at work

This must be a righteous holy war waged in my mind. The onslaught, the attack is fierce and may be until I die. The good news however is I do not fight alone. Christ’s work on the cross has changed my identity forever. Now I am positioned in Christ, no longer trapped in sin, but alive in Christ, full of His power working within me, with the Spirit of God living within me as a downpayment, a promise of eternity.

My life will never be as it was before I had children, but I can see my life in Christ as a holy calling, a disciple making endeavor linked with the great Teacher who will stretch my capacity in life.

For in Him the whole fullness of deity dwells bodily, and you have been filled in him, who is the head of all rule and authority.

Colossians 2:9-10

My seeking, hoarding, searching, and gaining momentary satiation can cease. I can serve because He serves me daily with His life, and I can be content with Jesus alone.

He fills all He stretches.

Lies of Motherhood – You need to be perfect

The lie of perfectionism in motherhood can trap you and me. In this series we have been studying how the Gospel combats and defeats the lies that threaten to bind us or enslave us. Most of us would probably argue that we do not believe this lie, that we know we cannot be perfect mothers. There is no perfect mother we may confidently declare. We may even reject the struggle against this lie and know we cannot ever measure up to the perfect standard for motherhood.

Whatever the picture of motherhood looks like for you may be different than what it looks like to me. And while the perfect standard of motherhood may be something you say is elusive or unattainable, we still chase it and allow its measurements to find us falling woefully short.

Identify the lie

We can see our failings, point out our flaws, and roll our eyes at the ways we fall short. “I’m just unorganized, I’m very structured and rigid, I struggle with being patient, I’m not the ______________ “fill in the blank. But we believe we fall short of something. Unbidden within our hearts is the knowledge that we do not meet all the standards across the board. An elusive norm exists that is the measure of a good mother, and everything else ultimately falls short of this benchmark.

This lie captures us quickly with that new baby and then burrows underground, holding court deep in our hearts. It quietly mounts a savage attack with whispers of how you and I could be better, reminds us of everytime we miss the mark, every moment we lose our temper, every time we forget something important, every way we are just learning. You and I must be able to identify the lies being spoken in our mind and in our culture, especially the ones we believe and embrace.

Combat the Lie with the truth

The truth is this: You are a forgiven mother. Just as every other part of your identity is wrapped in Jesus Christ as a believer, so is your motherhood.

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished upon us in all wisdom and insight.

Ephesians 1:7

His lavish grace and the forgiveness of all our sin overflows. It does not merely fill but overflows with all wisdom and insight. His grace is lavish for us, without limit, unending. His forgiveness is complete.

In motherhood the hardest thing to reconcile, to lay down is when I sin against a child. I have a confession: my tongue can stir up division and wound so quickly. I have also learned that my children can hurt or offend me. Early on I believed that I was impervious to their attacks, but as my children have matured, so has their ability to wound as well. Perhaps I am harsh, rude, selfish, “over it,” whatever my attitude – I wound a little heart or speak terribly to a teenager.

Gripped with conviction, I seek to confess and repent both to my child and to God. But standing in the fullness of forgiveness is hard when the lie creeps in. “You should be better than this, you always mess up this way, you never change, this is failure.” In those moments of whispered lies that seek to compare me to a standard, I must cling to the banner of the One who says I am complete in Him.

Standing in the fullness of forgiveness is hard when the lie creeps in.

Understanding the power of the Gospel begins to set me free and will set you free from the lie of perfectionism in motherhood and every other role we have. The Gospel clearly defines you and me as lost, trapped in our sinful ways (which includes a sharp tongue), dead and hopeless. But God who is rich in mercy, because of his great love for you and for me, even when you and I were as wicked as we could possibly be with our children, made us alive with Christ. (Ephesians 2:10) You and I have been saved by grace when we place our faith in Jesus as the only way to be changed and made new, in every part of our lives, including motherhood.

He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

Colossians 1:13-14

The truth becomes my message

We now live in a completely different kingdom! No more living as dead, darkness bound by our sins. In the kingdom of Christ we stand redeemed!

We now live as redeemed children of God, wholly loved and accepted. https://www.instagram.com/bethanykimsey/

Bought and paid for, lavishly loved, I am free to extend grace and mercy to my children in their own sin. Grace does NOT overlook sin, ignore it, or allow it to continue – NO – grace meets sin with the solution, Jesus Christ. Grace faces the flesh and extends living hope into the space of death. As mothers we are called to hold to His truth, extend the grace and mercy that has redeemed us, and point to Jesus for our children.

Lies of Motherhood – You are alone

One lie of motherhood is the whisper that you are alone. How we meet that lie is critical – we can turn to Christ or fill our lives with poor substitutes.

Loneliness opens a chasm with us, a quiet void that can grow pulling within itself our confidence, our joy, our peace, our contentment. We long to fill it and to feel connected. We seek to feel treasured, valued and deeply related to others. Motherhood can move this void to the forefront of our heart and mind in so many ways. The lie begins to whisper that you and I are alone in motherhood.

The lie is whispered in the quiet moments, “You are all alone in this.” It thunders in the chaotic toddler years, “No one else is living through what you are. Even your husband doesn’t experience this like you do.” Echoing off of every teenage interaction is the belief that you are the only one dealing with the rebellious or withdrawn child. You may be a single mother, wishing desperately for someone to share the load, believing that no one ever will. Unbidden, the lie creeps into your thoughts that no one really knows you, your day, and you have no true friends walking the same path or in the same stage. Perhaps the lie speaks to the fear that if anyone really knew you with your children, they wouldn’t like you so isolation is better.

So I will be with you. I will not leave you or forsake you.

Joshua 1:5

The ultimate lie is: You are all alone. No one truly sees you or walks with you in this journey of life. And the emptiness within your soul opens. Immediately thoughts leap to ways to fill the void and soothe the aching. Find girlfriends to support, give the kids to your husband for the day that he would finally understand, or buy that wine, those shoes, that purse, whatever in the moment will dampen those feelings and fill you. Do it because you deserve it, you are rocking this motherhood life alone juggling work, baby, house, food, laundry – no one does it like you and you deserve to feel better.

But we must cling to the truth and expunge the lie. You are not alone.

Keep your life free from love of money and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you. So we can confidently say, “The Lord is my helper, I will not fear; what can man do to me?”

Hebrews 13:5-6

I will never leave you

In Hebrews 13, the author is referencing back to Joshua 1:5 when Moses told Joshua that God would never leave or forsake him as he entered the Promised Land. Joshua was assuming leadership of the Israelites, and the path to victory would be arduous, full of battles, unknowns, fears, and would require trust and allegiance to God alone to ensure victory. And Hebrews brings this truth into the life of the believers.

To leave in Greek means “to slacken a grip; to desert.” His grip on me, the steadying of my foot, the assuredness of His presence doesn’t slacken, never loosens, and maintains His secure grasp. You and I are held as we walk out motherhood and all other life journeys just like Christ secured Peter as they walked on the water. The waves cannot envelope the believer whose hand is gripped by the Almighty.

Never will I forsake you

To forsake means “to leave behind.” The darkest parts of my heart, the fears and ideas that lurk in me that declare that no one should see – He sees and does NOT turn away. In every other relationship here on this earth, we hide and cover some parts of our darkened hearts, knowing inherently that exposing those places may lead to rejection. The truth is no matter how well anyone loves you, he or she will never fully know you or meet your needs. But God does. Sit a moment in worship there. My feeble attempts at relationship are met with the perfect flood of relationship. He never leaves me in a position of lack, whether it is lack of peace, joy, contentment, strength, power, love. He never leaves.

The desertion we experience, however desperate or empty we feel, is not because God has withdrawn Himself from you and me. As saved, redeemed children washed in His Son’s blood and made new, we are sealed with His presence, His Holy Spirit. But in my own experience I am so capable of walking away from the truth He offers and rushing to any tangible comfort to slake the thirst for companionship. When any other person or activity usurps my walk with Him, I will absolutely feel lonely and my ears will once again begin to hear the steady drumbeat of isolation.

The Lord is my Helper; I will not fear

When I replace the lie that I am all alone with the Truth that He is on my side as my Helper, I call on Him. He answers me and sets me free. We are created with a desperate need to walk with someone, to link arms and do this really hard job in relationship. God freely offers Himself, His grace filled presence to you and me!

The open declaration that He is my Helper comes straight out of Psalm 118. I encourage you to read this beautiful passage of worship and praise to the One who loves you and me steadfastly and responds to us. Worship becomes the song of a heart tied tightly to God. Grace becomes our melody. No longer should I dance to the song of this world that encourages me to placate my fears with anything other than Christ alone. In Christ I have everything for I have Him.

He is my Helper. Today in the laundry, cooking, cleaning, He is beside me in companionship. In the fighting and whining, He stands in solidarity with me, offering strength and wisdom. In the fear and discouragement, He offers His true hope and joy where I can trust. In the clamor of a thousand voices, He offers His peace to still my heart and mind and control my tongue. He never leaves. You and I can worship and walk fully in His presence. I am not alone. You are not alone when Jesus is your Redeemer.

God knew

During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel—and God knew.

Exodus 2:23-25

Have you ever been in another room in the house but all of a sudden you hear the cries and screams of one of your children echo through the halls? In an instant you know. You know something has gone horribly wrong, the quiet of your children in the moments before the scream was really the “danger quiet” – that quiet of children doing things they know are wrong, so they do them very quietly to see if they can avoid getting caught. Until someone gets hurt. Then almost as if all these missing puzzle pieces come shuffling into place, I can know every part of the activity I was previously missing as I am racing towards the injured. My mother’s heart attends to the cries of my children. I can know by a look on their face or a slight whimper that something is not right, and I can tell by their cry whether they are hurt a little or a lot. I have studied and learned my children because they are mine. 

‭‭Exodus relays the story of the Israelites in captivity in Egypt. Slavery, loss, suffering, and death had become their way of life. The people of Israel groaned and cried out for help; their cry for rescue came up to God. God heard their cries. And then look in this passage: God remembered His covenant, He saw, and God knew.

He intimately knows your hurt, your need, your desire and your hope. Easily I forget in the living out of hard spaces. I begin to doubt that He knows His plan, His way for His glory. Just like with his plan for the Israelites rescue, He is at work in you and me.

God heard their groaning

God hears our cries. He heard the Hebrews’ groanings of fear, worry, confusion, and heartache. They had come to Egypt as welcomed guests many years ago, but over the years their growth and prosperity threatened the king of Egypt. In response Pharaoh had slaughtered a generation of their boys and ruthlessly demanded the people of Israel work as slaves.

He hears the murmurs of our hearts, the yearnings of our souls, and He listens. Over and over we see God listening to the cries of his people. Psalm 18:6 says, “In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.” How beautiful to know that God hears our voices and our cries!

God remembered his covenant

As the people are crying out, desperate for Him, His help and His intervention, God remembers His covenant promise. He does not remember their good acts, their obedience, their anything. He remembers His promise to Abraham.

His faithful word held all the merit that was needed. The promise then was to a people set apart who were offered relationship and protection from God.

God established a new covenant through His son Jesus Christ. Jesus settled the issue of payment for our sin once and for all with His death on the cross and defeated death for eternity through His resurrection. Hebrews 8:6 declares, “But as it is, Christ has obtained a ministry that is as much more excellent than the old as the covenant he mediates is better, since it is enacted on better promises.” The new covenant offered through Jesus Christ sets you and me apart, offers us true relationship with Him, and changes who we are.

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. 10 Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.

1 Peter 2:9-10

This is the Gospel story. Thankfully our God recalls not our worthiness nor our contributions, but He looks at His Son. He looks at His hand outstretched, His own blood shed, His own holiness and offers us rescue.

God saw the people

God saw them. El Roi, the God who sees, never takes His eyes off of you and me. He looks at us, always knowing and always seeing. Over and over the Bible declares God’s watchfulness and care over His people. Genesis 16:13 declares, “You are a God of seeing.” Seeing my trouble, He cares. As a mother I fail to see alot of what my children do until it is too late, until the injury has happened, but God is not like me. He has never been unaware of what His children are doing. He never has to have explanations or summaries to catch Him up.

and God knew

God fully knows all of our suffering. Psalm 56:8 recounts, “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?” So our Father who gathers our tears in a bottle will surely care for each cause of those tears. He hears our prayers and sees our tears (2 Kings 20:5 & Psalm 18:6), and He draws near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed (Psalm 34:16). Lovingly He inclines his ear to us, hearing our cries for mercy (Psalm 116:1-2.) We are His treasure, highly valued and cared for (Matthew 10:30-31.) Furthermore He has given us the Holy Spirit who helps in our weaknesses when we don’t know what to pray or how to cry out. The Spirit intercedes for you and me with groanings before the Father according to His will (Romans 8:26-27). You are highly valued by the omniscient, omnipresent, omnipotent God who created all things and set all things in motion. And He knows all of His plan for you: from redemption to final glory, He is fully engaged, fully in control, fully working for His glory and your ultimate good.

The beauty of the Gospel is that His knowledge walks hand in hand with His covenant redemption offered through Jesus Christ. He knew His plan for our spiritual rescue from the beginning of time, and He knows His plan for your rescue right here in the midst of the pain, confusion, worry, or doubt you may be experiencing today. You are His.

Refine My Heart

For you, O God, have tested us; you have tried us as silver is tried.

Psalm 66:10

I am amazed at how faithful God is to refine my heart, making me more and more into His image for His glory. Have you ever had a time when you seem to face the same sin or struggle over and over? I know I do with myself, and I can also see it while disciplining my children. Discouragement can creep into my thoughts as I wonder why I choose the wrong action again and again. Sometimes I find myself in the bathroom with a child discussing the same sin issue as yesterday and the week before, almost as if it won’t go away.

Malachi 3:3 says the He is a Refiner’s Fire, purifying and refining us that we may bring gifts of righteousness to Him. He is a consuming fire, and Scripture reminds us that only when the dross is removed from the silver can the vessel be shaped.

refining my heart

Refining silver requires several steps. First the ore is broken.  The Gospel is clear: we offer nothing for our salvation, and we contribute nothing to our great need for rescue from our sin. We need the breaking open by His hand so that Christ alone can save us.

A crucible, a place where concentrated forces interact to cause or influence change and development, heats these pieces of ore. High heat separates the silver from all the other matter mixed with it. Proverbs 17:3 says The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and the LORD tests hearts. The Holy Spirit works within our hearts, convicting and bringing up to the surface the waste, the sin, the flesh I wrestle, in order to remove them and cleanse me from my unrighteousness. His hands patiently skim this next round of selfishness or impatience off the top all the while seeking to clarify my heart that I can reflect Him more and more.

Silver becomes more and more malleable and flexible as the dross is removed. My heart bends more towards His as He refines. The artist can fashion beauty as the waste is removed.

my response

How much do I dread the dross? How often do I avoid or try to cover up the very thing God desires to draw to the top in order to remove?  I seek every opportunity to recirculate it through or push it back to the bottom so that no one else could see or so it doesn’t reflect on me. But God wants to work in these very areas that shame wants to hide. He desires to eradicate the flesh that He may be glorified. 

Even in parenting my children, as I watch the Spirit refine and work to remove the sin, the waste, the dross in their lives, I squirm. I worry that I am responsible, that perhaps their struggles are my fault. I want to step in between His hand and them and buffer or mend. As my daughter wisely stated, “Perhaps God is at work in our character in ways only He can.” 

Only He knows the exact plan for each of us. Thankfully He knows the vessel He desires to create and continues to refine. He will work in our lives that we may know and love Him more.

Conviction

Sometimes I can see it immediately, the blackness, the thickness of it, the wedge it places within my heart – the absolute movement away from the truth in order to answer the pull and tug of my flesh. I can see the curtain drop in order to allow my pride or my selfishness to justify my actions. I know my choices are sinful and yet these desires draw me in. I long for forgiveness for the sin I see.

photo credit: noah kimsey

But there are other times when my flesh fools me. The filmy gauze that covers my heart is almost invisible to me – the inspection within that checks my motives cannot see the lies I embrace. Until the Spirit blows across. The flutter of heart deceit, the lifting of a corner of pride, or the push for self preservation becomes visible for a moment. Often I am surprised to see the hidden motivations of flesh and the self-worship that spring forth.

Conviction comes with both and conviction only comes through the Holy Spirit. He is perpetually at work within me turning my heart from the idolatry of self to the worship of God alone.

Repentance must follow the conviction. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. We can confess our sins and be cleansed. Spurgeon says, “We must confess the guilt as well as the fact of sin. It is useless to conceal it, for it is well known to God; it is beneficial to us to own it, for a full confession softens and humbles the heart. We must as far as possible unveil the secrets of the soul, dig up the hidden treasure of Achan, and by weight and measure bring out our sins.” Confession of sin is not merely saying something was done. “To confess sin, then, means to say the same thing about it that God says about it,” Wiersbe clarifies.

2 sides of forgiveness of sin

Cleansing is 2 sided. We have the judicial side or what I’ve always thought of as positional forgiveness. As a believer I am forgiven for all sins, past present and future. That will never change.

But the other side is personal.  My relationship minute to minute with Christ depends on my level of pursuing light or my comfort with the dark. Matthew 5:3 addresses this when Jesus talks about being poor in spirit. If I live my life understanding my need for salvation and forgiveness and if I mourn (Matthew 5:4) over my sin then I am continually listening to the Holy Spirit as He brings conviction. I am surrendering and confessing so that I stay in right relationship, staying in step with the Spirit.

His truth in forgiveness

The joy of right relationship with Him leads me to proclaim who He is. I worship unreservedly because I know He sees all of me. I serve wholeheartedly because I know how much I have been given. My identity does not contend with the flesh uncovered. Because of Christ’s death and resurrection, I am secure ~ secure to walk with Him, to repent before Him, to realign with His truth, and to rejoice in His salvation.

But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light. Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, nut now you have received mercy. ~1 Peter 2:9-10

Where do you find yourself struggling with your sin?

Do you seek His forgiveness, listening to His conviction?

Do you walk triumphantly, confident of who you are in Christ?

Parenting children with hope & peace

What do you do when parenting your children seems next to impossible? Settling my heart in truth becomes vital. The Gospel holds my peace and hope.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ~Deuteronomy 6:5-7

Squabbling, fussing, arguing, complaining, and the dreaded whining are all common symptoms in my family on this parenting journey! And truthfully, I can do it all also! I often see an outbreak with a transition, busyness in our schedule, at the beginning of a vacation, or in stressful seasons of life. My children will fuss, demand their way, complain and as they grow into their teen years, they may seek to avoid or isolate.  Negative engagements are a guarantee, and if I don’t see them for their purpose, I miss something beautiful.

Unfortunately, I often get this perspective very wrong. In my selfishness, I want peace, quiet, ease, and happiness for all. I don’t want squabbles, whining, etc. so I will tend to shut it down quickly with verbal discipline.

Searching out the heart purpose behind a fussy child is the more significant work ~ one of His designs of family life. When I begin to embrace the heart pursuit God desires for each of my children, when I begin to filter their actions through the sieve of Gospel truth, then grace can grow within me for them in the moments of discipline. My heart undergoes a transformation before I ever engage in shepherding theirs. Prior to ever stepping into the bathroom where my child sits, I need to spend a few moments with Him. I need to seek what lies may be at the root of the behavior, determine what flesh is on display, and see both my child and the behavior the way God does.

And often before I can even engage in prayer over my child, I need to spend a few moments looking at the lies, flesh, or sin that welled up in me as all this erupted in my home. That’s just the truth. Most sin sparks sin in others. We have a saying in our home that sin is contagious and can make everyone sick within minutes! So whether the sin is divisiveness, selfishness, fear, worry, anger, pride, you name it, other people will soon be exhibiting symptoms in reaction to the initial sinner. We can all resent the mess out of this contagion, or we can use these moments to declare God’s power, His victory, and His salvation over our desperate need that is on display.

Let’s be warriors for truth! Let’s get down into the midst of the sin and call it out for what it is, not from pride or disgust, No! but from a place of grace and mercy that we have received and we now offer to the sinner in our midst. Let’s be more like Christ was with the adulterous woman or the woman who touched his coat – let’s explore the heart deep within and tend to the wounds, the lies, the fears and apply the salve of great grace, deep love, and complete truth that only Jesus offers through His death and resurrection. Let’s speak the Gospel to our children in ways that make it the most desirable, the most welcoming, the most trustworthy space for them to occupy.

We can create environments where Jesus can shine in all His glory because we are pointing to Him. As we set our own hearts on His truth, we confess our own need for Him as we fail.  We assure our children of God’s steadfast love when we resolutely love them despite their failings, despite their sin, despite their flesh. But just like God does not leave us in a space of unrighteousness but rather calls us out to walk with Him in truth and holiness, we also need to be faithful to truth and holiness. Calling sin a sin is not condemnation, not when my heart is humble to the truth that I too struggle with sin.

Parenting with purpose takes time.

And sometimes it feels like all I do is move from one sin moment to another when every child needs special touches and reminders of God’s grace in the face of great sin. But I cling to the truth that these days are the most valuable for the Kingdom. These moments proclaim to the next generation the goodness of our God. Only when sin bursts forth do we see our great need for a Savior. Only when pride declares a godlike desire for worship can we point to the only One worthy of our praise and honor.

These are the days when the worship music plays at full volume and we dance in the unstoppable grace of a God who showers us with love, patience, truth, and mercy.

And it is my prayer that your love may abound more and more with knowledge and all discernment, so that you may approve what is excellent, and so be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ, to the glory and praise of God. ~Philippians 1:9-11

practical thoughts about discipline

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds. ~ Jeremiah 17:9-10

 

There have been SO many times in the Kimsey household where I have had children in every bathroom in our house and some more on their beds, thinking about what they did that contributed to the great conflagration that just occurred!   It only takes a little spark to begin to fuel an explosion between multiple factions and next thing I know, everyone is mad, taking sides, screeching and screaming!

Before I interact with any of them, I seek to set my own heart firmly in the truth of the Gospel. I want to begin with seeking out my own heart because more than likely I have been angered, short-tempered, or in some way put out by the disobedience, fighting, or whatever precipitated this time. The same truths for them apply to me. So I want to take a few minutes with Jesus and set my heart on Him, on the truth of my sin, on His love, on His great mercy and His pursuing grace.

I have found that removing children to quiet places works well. In our home, we use the bathrooms most often simply because there is not much in the bathroom to distract my child from the primary goal of this quiet time. I want to create quiet space for my child to begin to hear from the Holy Spirit about why he or she is struggling in relationship with the others in the family. This removal is not a timeout or a timed interval at all; rather, it is a space where emotions can calm down, their minds can stop racing, and their hearts can be tended to.

Can I encourage you to remember all the truths of the Gospel when parenting and disciplining your children? Romans 1:16 resonates in discipline moments, For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, When I keep this before me, I have greater empathy and patience for my children; when I just want good behavior, I am short tempered and become a part of the problem. Your children are believing the same basic lies that have motivated all sin from the beginning of time – whether the lies are that they should be in control which promotes disobedience and rebellion, whether the lies are they are most important which leads to selfishness and cruelty, or some other lie that declares what they are worshiping. Their heart will deceive them, leading them away from the truth of God and towards the pursuit of loving themselves first. They will naturally seek their own good, their own control, their own protection. They will defend their own “wisdom” despite its futility. When we understand the heart of man, we can understand and not be surprised or offended by their behavior. Our goal is not to stop the heart of flesh. That is the work of the Holy Spirit. Our goal is to point to the Savior and illuminate their fierce need for Him.

So my bathroom conversations with my lost children as well as my saved children run on parallel tracks, both pointing to Christ. To my saved child, the goal of the conversation is to help them honestly look at their part, to guide them through what was motivating them and what lie they chased, and re-establish with them the truths of who they are because of Jesus Christ and what God is at work doing within them. To my lost child, it is my opportunity to point out their need for the salvation Jesus offers and offer hope to them.

Bathroom discipline often looks practically like this – I sit down, bringing myself down to their eye level and I ask them to stand in front of me with their hands on my knees. Really this just stills their little body and helps them focus their eyes on mine. I want them to hear me speak, which means emotions need to calm if they are upset, focus needs to come, and bodies need to quiet. I try to speak very softly, asking questions that purpose to lead them into a thoughtful examination of themselves, even at the little ages of 2 & 3. Questions like, “Why are you in here?” or “Tell me what happened that made you have to come in here?” let me know what they understand about what has happened. Conversations are the goal initially. I want to hear their heart, both to see what work the Spirit is already doing as well as to see what they may be believing that is not true. Listening intently and seeking to make sure that I have even gotten the complete picture of what offenses took place are very important tasks. Many times I have removed the loudest or the one with the most fingers pointing at them only to find that there are other guilty parties that need to be disciplined as well! 

One important truth that steadies my heart in the midst of the discouragement of everyday life with a bunch of sinners is that God pursues us continually. He does not cease. He is a God who values relationship, who declares His redeeming love through His Son, and who is at work transforming us from one degree to another. He does not get discouraged with my stubborn heart or sinful tendencies. He keeps on pursuing. And He is doing the same thing with each of your children and invites you to join Him in pursuit. What an honor!

I seek to chase the lies they are believing and introduce the truth God offers instead. God’s word holds the truth we need. To the one who is saved and walking in new life, this is encouraging; to the one who is lost, this is a holy invitation. Prayer covers the time with hugs and a final blessing is given as they walk back out the door.

The blessing launches them back. They more than likely need to go to the one(s) they have offended and apologize and own their wrongs. They have confessed their wrongs before God but now must confess again to their siblings or others. Just like Paul closed every letter with a blessing to the churches to launch them into the truths he had laid before them, I too want to bless my children. So I spend a few moments reminding them of my love for them and my belief that God is at work in them changing them to be more like Him (if they are saved) or calling them to know Him as their Savior (if they are lost). These are words of life that point to where God is working and moving in their hearts. I know God is working on you becoming a mighty peacemaker for Him (if they have been struggling with arguing) or I see the way God is changing your heart for others and making you a servant of others (if they are struggling with selfishness). Always point them to God’s work in their lives. This time of discipline is NOT your opinion or what makes your life easier today. This is God’s holy work, you are merely an ambassador for Him. Point to Him. The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all (2 Corinthians 13:14)

the butterfly lesson

Let all the earth fear the LORD; let all the inhabitants of the world stand in awe of him! For he spoke, and it came to be; he commanded, and it stood firm. ~ Psalm 33:8-9

We are growing butterflies over here this spring. We have watched excitedly, monitoring the growth of our caterpillars, marveled at the chrysalis formations that each one did, and now are anticipating the hatching. (is that the correct terminology?) Today was the day! The first two chrysalides began to shake, little butterfly parts began to emerge, and we watched in wonder as two different butterflies sought to escape their cage.

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Timothy immediately wanted to “help” as the first butterfly tried to break free. Explaining the danger of helping a chrysalis break open to a three-year-old is a bit difficult, as he cannot tear his eyes away from the battle in front of him. Transfixed by the scene, he just kept asking, “Why can’t we help? What will happen that’s bad?” Finally, I hit upon an explanation that made sense to his little heart ~ the butterfly grows his muscles breaking out of his cocoon. If we step in and help him, we risk hurting its body or wings. The butterfly then will die, unable to have the strength to pump fluid into its wings and thus open and dry them. Armed with this knowledge, he could peacefully watch as, for over an hour, the little butterfly shook and wiggled, pried, and finally broke free. We marveled at the way the wings looked so shriveled, yet within a short time, they were drying out and beginning to move. God’s work, His creation, is amazing!

We had another chrysalis opening at the same time as the first, but the results were considerably different. This little butterfly’s chrysalis had somehow become entangled in some of the webbing the larvae had used before making the chrysalis. So as the butterfly tried to emerge, its feet became entangled in the string. It fought all day long to break free from the string, his wings shriveled and wilted, and the front portion of his body stayed within the chrysalis. Honestly, it was heartbreaking to everyone as we watched. Ultimately, we had 10 of our 11 butterflies break free and begin to flutter and fly around the cage, but that one struggled against the entangling strings for 2 days, unable to fully emerge.

Why do I share this story? I don’t have deep parallel truths about our Christian walk that source in this story. I just know this opened a doorway of conversation with my children in which we could discuss meaningful truths of God while we watched the complete metamorphosis. We began talking about how incredible God’s plan for butterflies really is ~ that He designed eggs to become larvae to know to grow a hard, protective covering around them as they completely change into a different creature over a few days. While the 10 butterflies we hatched were all variations of each other with slightly different colors, patterns on their wings, no other creature emerged from the chrysalides. We practiced patience waiting for their emergence, hopefully staring at the dangling shells for days. We wondered why hatching had to be such work for the butterfly, investigating why God designed this fierce battle almost at the beginning of their life as a flying insect. And we mourned our lost one, longing to step in and save it from the ultimate end. We so wanted to tear all the webbing away and cut it free, but that action would have disrupted the 3 other chrysalides that hung very close to our struggler.

When we marveled at His plan for a butterfly who will only live for a few days, we began to wonder at His plans for our lives. The commitment to the butterfly translates into an immense commitment to us. Jesus teaches this exponential truth in Matthew 6:25-34. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious. Taking a few days to dwell in the truth of God’s great plan for each of their lives was beautiful in recalibrating my eyes to see my children as well as speaking into their hearts a basic truth that the enemy wants to steal away. The truth is this: their uniqueness, their strengths, their weaknesses are all known by Him and designed by Him for His plan and for His kingdom. And His plan is for their good and for God’s glory. Do not be anxious! Instead, keep looking to Him ~ He welcomes your cries for help, He comes alongside you in victory and distress, He is the everlasting, ever in tune with you God, and He is trustworthy.

Our God is amazing! He is Creator with neverending imagination and wisdom worthy of our worship. Beckon to your children to worship with you, to marvel at Him in the midst of His beautiful creation. Delight yourself in who He is in His creation today. Worship Him for He deserves all praise!

Grace & Peace Multiply

May grace and peace be multiplied to you. ~ 1 Peter 1:2

Every day, it seems, is stuffed with activities, planning schedules, organizing of lives, never mind cooking, cleaning, laundry, mothering, and relating to my children and husband. I would love a day when I can wake up and not have countless tasks and events looming, requiring a Tetris like skill to make all of them fit together and actually get accomplished. Today, for instance, includes making 2 costumes, editing 4 research papers for different children’s end of the year projects or college essays, a dishwasher that has broken, 3 haircuts scheduled unfortunately for the same time across town, registrations for camp, homeschool tasks, a car tuneup for a trip, organizing movers, and staging our home for sale.

While my head swirled with a list of things to complete, my heart began to sing this morning as I studied 1 Peter. Grace and peace are multiplied to me. God does not merely add up grace, stacking a little more on top as we go through our day. He doesn’t add more peace as we start to waver in distraction or panic. Multiplication happens. The impressive truth about multiplication is that it isn’t merely repeated addition as we often teach 2nd graders. Addition only allows like terms to be added together to slowly grow. Multiplication allows the compounding of unlike terms with growth happening at an exponential rate.

Grace and peace together multiplied, is offered to me as His child. Four things are true of those who are saved in this verse: God foreknows them, the Spirit sanctifies them, they obey Jesus, and Jesus’ blood covers them.

God knows us, He pursues us, He calls us by name. Over and over in scripture, we see God seeking out His people. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. (Is. 43:2) I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; (John 10:14-15) I will protect him, because he knows my name. (Psalm 91:14) I am chosen by Him, for a relationship with Him. Letting that truth sink into my day, how I perceive all parts of my day sets me free from the feelings and lies that I am all alone or abandoned.

The Spirit is sanctifying me. Oh! What a wonderful truth to embrace this morning! That God doesn’t turn away in anger or disgust for how I sinfully interact with my children or husband, for how I mismanage my time, or how I bow and worship at the idols in my heart brings great peace. He is at work in me. Sanctify means to set apart; to declare as holy and in this passage is the process of becoming holy. He is convicting and refining, transforming my thinking as He works to change me evermore every day into His image, making me more like Him. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit. (2 Cor. 3:18) He intercedes for us before the throne. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. (Romans 8:26)

My relationship with God declares I am covered with Jesus’ blood for my salvation. His redeeming work of offering up his body as a sacrifice for my sins allows me entrance into the covenant of grace and forgiveness with God. Without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness of sins (Hebrews 9:22b), and he has appeared once for all at the end of the ages to put away sin by the sacrifice of himself (Heb. 9:26b). The obedience of Jesus creates the way for me to have a relationship with Him, and my obedience becomes the response of gratitude for cleansing by His blood. Since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith,..let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering,… and let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works. (Hebrews 10:19-24)

So grace and peace supernaturally, divinely multiply together, covering me today with a peace beyond understanding because I know the grace that extends over all of me. Peace floods me with the assurance that, despite my shortfalls today, my eternity is secure. Access to God is assured because of the grace given, and I can abide with Him today in all I do because He is committed to walking this day out with me. I can cry out to Him for time management – He cares! I can ask Him for kindness for wild or rebellious children – He provides! I can seek Him for wisdom – He listens! Grace and peace multiply and I can breathe. I can rest. I can linger in relationships rather than flit anxiously from task to task. I can exude these same blessings to my children in their hardest spaces, not because I am so amazing but because He is, and He has filled me.